I wasn’t my regular movie whore self – impromptu happy hours, working late, and dining out got the best of me in March and April...in more ways than one. From the list below, I omitted movies ordered just for my daughter, and listed most of the others.
March – April Top 4 Best
I enjoyed these movies more than most others… 1) Blue, White, and Red – Krzysztof Kieslowski's Three Colors trilogy; 2) Character, 1997; 3) Shower, 1999; and 4) Together, 2002
March – April Top 4 Head Scratchers
I sat there during these movies wondering WTF these people were thinking – strange as hell, but still worthy of watching until the end, but you sure as hell better watch these alone…1) Warm Water Under a Red Bridge 2002; 2) Fishing With John, 1992; 3) Water Drops On Burning Rocks, 1999 (I actually kind of liked this one); and 4) God has a rap sheet.
Here’s the list…
1. 100 Girls, 2000
2. 200 Cigarettes, 1999
3. A Walk to Remember, 2002
4. All About My Mother, 1999
5. All the Real Girls, 2003
6. Anne Frank: The Whole Story, 2001
7. Beautiful Thing, 1996
8. Being John Malkovich, 1999
9. Better Than Chocolate, 1999
10. Blue, 1993
11. Boys Don't Cry, 1999
12. Character, 1997
13. City of God, 2002
14. Confusion of Genders, 2000
15. Dead Like Me: Season 1: Disc 1, 2003
16. Dead Like Me: Season 1: Disc 2, 2003
17. Dead Like Me: Season 1: Disc 3, 2003
18. Donnie Darko: Director's Cut, 2001
19. Eat Drink Man Woman, 1994
20. Eating: A Very Serious Comedy About Women and Food, 1990
21. Erin Brockovich, 2000
22. Fargo, 1996
23. Fast Food, Fast Women, 2000
24. Fishing With John, 1992
25. God Has a Rap Sheet, 2003
26. Grown Ups, 1980
27. High Art, 1998
28. In the Bedroom, 2001
29. Kansas City, 1996
30. Little Voice, 1998
31. Lost Boys of Sudan, 2003
32. Mean Girls, 2004
33. Movies of Color: Black Southern Cinema, 2003
34. Napoleon Dynamite, 2004
35. Nowhere in Africa, 2001
36. Osmosis Jones, 2001
37. Rabbit-Proof Fence, 2002
38. Red, 1994
39. Schoolhouse Rock!: Special 30th Anniversary Edition, 1973
40. Secrets of a Windmill Girl, 1966
41. She Hate Me, 2004
42. Shower, 1999
43. That Obscure Object of Desire, 1977
44. The Dancer Upstairs, 2002
45. The Magdalene Sisters, 2002
46. The Remains of the Day, 1993
47. The Shrink Is In, 2001
48. The Stepford Wives, 2004
49. The Wiz, 1978
50. Together, 2002
51. Unzipped, 1995
52. Uptown Girls, 2003
53. Warm Water Under a Red Bridge, 2002
54. Water Drops On Burning Rocks, 1999
55. Whale Rider, 2003
56. What a Girl Wants, 2003
57. White, 1994
58. Y Tu Mama Tambien, 2001
1. Obtain a pilot’s license
2. Ride doggy-style late-night through the park (meaning riding with my head hanging out of the window, you pervert)
3. Get obnoxiously lean and fit (l already called my personal trainer)
4. Put away more to savings and investment accounts
5. Take pottery classes (After #3 - I wanna get a naked Ghost scene going on – that’s right, feel my clay - yeah baby!)
6. Go to Morimoto’s restaurant in Philly with an interesting small group of people…and have waaay too much to eat (pass the bass in black bean sauce…again please) and drink (another MC2 please)
7. Get a new business off the ground and running – strong (mo’ money, mo’money)
8. Sit on an open car sunroof and be tasted from below (okay - now I’m the pervert, but you KNOW you want to try this one)
9. Take guitar classes (this is a first cousin to #5 – substitute clay for strings)
10. Paint the interior of my house
11. See Cirque du Soleil's Zumanity (yup, I’m the pervert again)
12. Enjoy a new platonic friendship – maybe create a worthwhile, lifetime bond
13. Enter a drag queen lip synch contest (I know I could win, I just know it!!!)
14. Lie in bed, for 3 consecutive days, at home, and be waited on around the clock
15. Prepare several dishes showcasing a variety of magnificent imported truffles (this, would of course work against #4)
16. Learn how to wash and dry my own hair (this would REALLY help #4)
17. Pinch a total stranger on the arse…and then rub the sore spot…and then pinch the stranger on the arse again
18. Plant wildflowers in my yard
19. Beotch slap my new neighbor, or at least speak negatively about her momma for giving birth to such an open skank
20. Prepare a traditional Ethiopian dish – flawlessly
21. Organize a fishing or sea duck hunting charter/martini day for a small group of friends
22. Read 3 pieces of classic literature
23. Take a long naked walk in Great Falls National Park (after #3 has been fulfilled)
24. Create an abstract painting
25. And, last, but not least, FINALLY be rightfully crowned Queen of the Universe (where the hell is my publicist??)
I order waaay too much Chinese delivery.
When I was sick once, they sent over super sized soups and herbal teas.
They know who I am when I call – the woman says “Heyoooo (mispronounced name here) howw ju doin toodaye?”
*that was awful – right?*
Well, I am the crispy soft shell crab, steamed black cod fish with black bean sauce, and black bubble tea with milk, you better bring my damned chopsticks girl.
I tip all of my delivery guys well since many of them have had the misfortune of doubling back to return my chopsticks. Just another pain in the arse, too lazy to cook 2-3 nights per week, picky, regular customer.
Since I order so often, and around the same times, I am very familiar with the delivery guys. They appear all cool folks except for one who never speaks and often avoids eye contact -- always uptight. I think I caught him in a full eye roll on one occasion after I made him return twice for one order – once for chopsticks, and again for my bubble tea straw.
*damned right (in my Shaft voice)*
Well I went to pay for my last dinner delivery, and there was Mister Uptight, Slanted Eye Roller himself informing me that my order is free of charge, mumbled something, and left. I called the restaurant to thank them, and was informed my order was paid for by the delivery guy, not the restaurant.
I was immediately paranoid and wondered if he had done something wicked with my food.
*what’s that funny looking bubble in my bubble tea??*
I looked at all of my food and found a note in the bag that read:
We should go somewhere and talk. Call me at 202.xxx.xxxx. Thank you. Yuan.
*wondering if his name is pronounced Juan*
Anyhooo…
I can truly say this marked a few firsts -- I had NEVER been comped food by a delivery guy; I had never been hit on by a delivery guy; and, I had never been hit on by a Chinese guy.
I did meet this really hot Asian guy named John (or so he said), but I never called him, though he gave me his number a total of 4 times. John never hit on me, we just danced all over each other, grinding wayy too much, on the stage at Heaven and Hell, but it just never went beyond us acting out in public.
I thought the delivery guy hated me. I never thought for a second he was uptight because he wants some of my hot and spicy love soup. Next order: Lobster, Hong Kong Style (free of charge, I hope)!!
谢谢你
Flipping through my old cd’s I ran across an old George Michael single – Faith.
…oh what a wonderful feeling to run across an old favorite song.
I belted out the lyrics, for the first time really analyzing them – what was a feel good party song for me, was really sad and about confessing your inner whore to the person you are seeing because of some issues with a former controlling lover. Someone in need of healing.
…screech!
Selector!!
Rewind!!
I put the song on repeat to enjoy.
I stopped analyzing.
I fell into the music and the voice.
I stood up dressed in my white tank top and white boxer briefs and belted out BABY -- Before this river becomes an ocean before you throw my heart back on the floor … Finger snapping and head nodding. Singing. Singing. Singing.
And out of no where! That music and vibe lead me to jump up and move like a belly dancer on speed. A dance of my own. I grabbed the broom and sang even louder – gyrating my hips like a f*cked up cross between Elvis, George Michael, Big Daddy Kane, and my Grandfather (sorry Daddy).
I had the sudden urge to do a full Risky Business slide and wished I had marble floors. My lazy arse finally got tired and reached for my glass of wine.
I laughed at myself, not noticing someone was nearby and laughing as well.
My new neighbors from the condos were on the balcony enjoying a few sips and apparently my performance. They stood up, laughed, and applauded. I was caught in the act. Well just welcome to the neighborhood people!
Yes I've gotta have faith...
…and there are soo many magnificent stallions all about.
I don’t man watch – period.
For a man to get my attention, he pretty much has to fall down so that I might laugh at him, or better yet, move in silence – just sit there and look pretty.
*snicker*
So -- I am generally unimpressed by most men. Only 3 truly caught my attention in the past 5 years.
Well, until this week.
Something strange is happening – something is changing.
I don’t know if the change is due to something in the stars or something in my pants, but for the past few days I’ve noticed the most magnificent stallions all about and I am pretty sure I’m in season.
I have noticed more attractive (yes, attractive – not just appealing), sexy, well groomed, nice-faced, seemingly confident, tailored suit wearing, power car driving men in the past few days than I have in the past year.
The “there is just something about him – a magnetism” types.
*with visions of boxer briefs dancing in my head – fanning, and imagining background music: Lust, oops -- I mean …Love Is In The Air*
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’s back!
Help me.
Though I’ve been spayed, I think I am finally in heat… again.
Heeelllooo Spring!!!
While we may wean deadbeats and undesirables from our lives, plucking them off one-by-one as they are identified, we tend to keep around some associates we find just okay, pretty harmless, trust to some degree, but don’t find useful enough to call when things get thick.
I didn’t take into consideration when organizing my containers of friends and associates.
I had a rude awakening a few weeks ago.
From no where I experienced severe eye pain that left me not only barely able to move, but unable to see from one eye. I’ve had several surgeries, including a cesarean and I am sooo not exaggerating when I type that eye pain was unbearable.
Anyhoo…
I sat at home for 4 hours in pain because while there were quite a few people calling and volunteering to take me to the hospital, I realized I didn’t trust anyone taking care of my affairs, since I was minus one eye, and in the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced.
I didn’t want to get to the emergency room and deal with someone who moved too slow who would surely irritate me and bring on a full fledged b*tch fit.
I didn’t want my daughter writing in super large 12-year old print on my forms and needing explanation for anything.
I didn’t want someone holding my arm, walking me with my eyes closed that I didn’t 100% trust.
I wanted my daughter to go along, and I don’t expose her to everyone I know.
I just wanted everything taken care of without issue by someone who knows and understands how naturally b*tchy I am, and can deal with my natural bitchiness times 100 with a bloodshot head banging, soul draining eye ache.
Two of the people I wanted to take me were unreachable.
The other two don’t drive.
The pain made me want to vomit.
Having worn contacts lenses since I was 22, the type you sleep in since my vision is so awful I fear I will awaken and not be able to get out of the house in case of fire (well, maybe I could make my way out, but the dog, cat, and kid would all be s*it out of luck), I felt naked and covered in smoked meat in the middle of the woods -- wild animals all about.
My vision is really bad.
I once failed an eye exam for a driver’s license while wearing contacts.
I am totally paranoid about not being able to see what’s happening around me.
I only wore glasses for 6 months before getting contacts, and had no intention of doing the right thing and getting a pair for the house – I’ve seen what they do to the bridge of the nose.
...so I never did the “right” thing and pick up a pair of glasses for emergency use. Nope. Nope. Nope. Too much like right.
Though I can really recall having a pair of reading/pc glasses to wear over my contacts years ago, nothing at home could help me at this point.
I wanted my momma.
MOMMA!!!
…and her arse was on a date.
WHY WHY WHY??????????
I ended up at the hospital with an irritating associate who tried to hit on me (f*cking shame – right?) – Georgetown (they rock) and was diagnosed with eye abrasions and instructed to return the next morning. They gave me nice eye antibiotic drops and a tetanus shot in the arm (can't we find a better way to give that medicine? just dayum) lots of Percocets (yummy - this made the shot okay).
I returned the next morning with my mom and was diagnosed with eye ulcers, just missing the middle of my eye by a few hairs (tetanus shot for no reason). Apparently the new 3 month wear lenses were not for me. I’d only had them in for about 2.5 months. They gave me more drugs; this time they added drops that dilate the eyes (nice).
I returned the morning after and have been returning about every two days or so since.
Of course I was instructed to NOT wear lenses of any type in the infected eye, so I drove, walked, and everything else for the past 2 weeks with one contact until I developed a headache.
Now I have a pair of waaaay overpriced frames with f*cking coke bottles lenses.
I’m serious.
F*cking coke bottles.
I made an appointment for this Saturday to get contacts, a few weeks early, because I am going back to the one eye thing.
I asked if I might get a cute little patch with diamonds or something, but I am not allowed to cover the area. There has to b e some way I can rock this half-blind s*it.
So I feel like s*it and I look like s*it; have to work on recategorizing my friends and associates should something like this ever happen again; and, after Saturday, will once again be blind out of one eye, and hardly able to see from the other.