(PAST DUE Twisted Mind Dump #4,755,680)
-Most men are boring and predictable. Some who are not initially boring and predictable take that
path after a few months. Some who don’t take the boring and predictable path after a few months
are really men with mental vaginas. Maybe I should cut to the chase and become a lesbian.
-I am fortunate that I can laugh at myself, for I shall never cease to be amused.
-Most people are stupid. That’s why we have product labeling to warn us to not put electrical appliances
in or near water, spray Windex in our eyes, use hair coloring as an ice cream topping, or something
else equally stupid.
-Yes, I bleed. Cope. Now run to the drug store for me.
-Being sure of you is a trait that’s unforgivable for those who are not sure of themselves.
Just walk away.
-I really love that movie Snatch. I don’t know why it didn’t take off in the US.
-The prime rib from Smith’s was purrrfect the other night. They have definitely improved at
gauging the temperatures.
-It’s just another day in my empire, and Empress Virtues is one autocrat growing bored
with her ruthless desire to gain and keep power. Can’t I just be a housewife for 30 days and then
resume my hardnosed ways if I don’t like being June Cleaver for f*cks sake?
-Is that a big baby, or a small turkey? All children are NOT cute -- that’s for damned sure.
-Can we play salad bar tramp? I can toss a mean salad baby.
-Yes, I fart. Cope. Now get the Febreeze before I have to smell that.
-Expecting unhealthy people to treat you well because you are nice to them is like expecting an
angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
-I am attentive you arsehole - I know its there. I’m waiting for you to clean that cobweb too.
-Some men have such huge arses. I wonder if they like having them rubbed as do I. I really
need to gain a few pounds back there. Bad enough all of my white girl friends have more arse
than me – but, now I have to compete with the men as well.
-I have associates who are truly lost in the basement of society. I like visiting them
there from time to time.
-Maybe I am a monogamist because I fear having to fake orgasms for more than one man.
-Her boobs look fake but not completely implausible. They look right nice actually. If I had them,
I’d surely never pay for drinks again. Now that’s better than saving a lot on your car insurance.
-Yes, I shed. Cope. Now get the broom and help me sweep up this hair.
-Why does television have like 900 channels of pure sh*t? Thank the Gods for Sundance Channel.
-I’d love to be buried in my new tweed shoes and matching purse from Berlin. The heels are
so unique. I know someone will check to see if I am wearing shoes in that damned
casket, and will appreciate the style as much as I do. Then again – maybe I should
be buried wearing nothing but panties since I’ve done such a poor job wearing them in life.
Awww. That dump makes my mind feel lot better.
*wiping my forehead*
I guess I should get some work done now.
Housewife: One who is more married to a house than to the man she once thought it was all about.
Smoke pot, eat twat, smile a lot.
-Bathroom wall at my favorite walking-distance dive bar -- Wonderland Ballroom
Oh.
I should add -- the restrooms are unisex.
I hate public restrooms - so more often than not, I wont go all day while at the office; and almost
break down the door once I arrive home to take my after work leak.
Well, last night, I forgot to go as soon as I arrived to the house as well since I was on a phone
call and bringing in a grocery bag. Huge mistake since I have more than a few things going on right now.
I went to the kitchen immediately while still on the phone and washed my hands to start on my meal.
I finished preparation of and served the shrimp bisque, plated with two large grilled prawns,
while preparing the rest of the meal.
I rubbed a few lamb chops with coarse mustard and added my herbs and cracked black
pepper and placed them aside while I converted half of the stovetop to the grill.
I was ready to head to the small bathroom near the kitchen, but my phone rang again so I went
back to get the phone – took the call from a friend, and then started preparing dry herbs and
mixture of lamb and chicken stock for my couscous.
I put the lamb on the grill and did a small pan with a splash vegetable stock and a little olive oil
and garlic in which to prepare a bit of fresh spinach.
I couldn’t find my pine nuts to add to the couscous and then I realized again I had to the
bathroom – but the doorbell rang. Unexpected guests. This, of course meant that a few
additional pieces of lamb were to be prepared and added to the grilling.
In came the guests straight to the kitchen to say hello to me and then settled in the nearby
family area, just two rooms away – but still within earshot. My small talk pretty much let
them know I didn’t really feel up to company, but he was very happy to see them. I
found the pine nuts and decided to add a few sundried tomatoes as well.
In I took wine for some and cognac for others and went back to check on the lamb and
turned down the simmering broth for the couscous – added the pine nuts and sundried
tomatoes. Once again - I realized that I had to pee.
This time it was crucial.
I wanted to take a run for the bathroom nearest the kitchen, but it was midway between the
family area and the kitchen and I feared I really wouldn’t make the to the toilet seat, and if
so – I feared the force I might use to sit on it due to my anxiousness might break it off
while everyone outside could hear me take a long arsed pee. Or even worse, run, pee and
slip on the pee while trying to sit on the toilet – requiring help once unconscious from him and
the guests and of course burning the kitchen since I had food in the grill at full heat.
Quick thinking – do something. OKAY -- Instead I cut through the formal dining room and
realized there was no way I would make it upstairs or to another bathroom on a lower floor.
There I stood. In my dress, blazer, and white socks (I haven’t been cooking in my stilettos
much lately) and peed on the hand-crafted Persian carpet from Astrabad in the formal dining
room. I thought it might make less noise then peeing on the marble floors. I prayed no
one left the area to get anything from their car. I peed HARD for at least 2 minutes
and felt a magnificent feeling of freedom. I laughed to myself about my situation.
I laughed again to know how he would have a heart attack if he’d walked in OR if I’d ever
told him about this. I then thought to myself I’d just load it in the truck and take it for
cleaning the day to follow – he’d never know it’s gone since he only ventures into 3 rooms
in the entire house.
I walked pass the hallway where they could see me from afar from a side view only… my
pissy wet socks leaving a trail of little footsteps behind me. Went upstairs to take off my
wet socks, freshened up and returned downstairs - no one ever knew better.
I came back to the grill, added a few thick sliced tomatoes for grilling and removed the
lamb. It was done well of course – but that’s just how he likes it.
I prepared the plates – couscous on the bottom, a few large pieces of spinach for the next
layer and then atop went my magnificent lamb – 2 medium pieces for each plate with a
small rosemary sprig between them. I finished my plating with a grilled tomato aside.
I poured a cognac for myself and announced that dinner would not be formal that night
(formal had truly been pissed on) so everyone was to eat at the kitchen dining table or family
room. I then left and went upstairs for the evening.
When you gotta go. You just gotta go.
(In the world according to Virtues, since someone asked – not in order of preference)
Fountain pens
It makes your man feel important in the office, even if in an entry-level mailroom position – to write
with a fancy fountain pen. And of course, most men need reassurance just as much as they often need directions
but will never admit it. Mont Blanc is an everyday name. If your man KNOWS his pens, then you might want to look
into their Anniversary Editions, if not, you can go more low end because they are all quality pens.
A bunch of meat and a backyard grill
Just pull your SUV up to your Farmers or Halal Market and request a whole lamb and a side of beef–
have them cut the meat to the favorites. Swing by your local grill dealer and pick up an AT LEAST 30
inch gas/charcoal combo outdoor grill with rotisserie and make your man happy and cut your kitchen
time. Don’t forget to pickup some great hickory chips, and if your man is NOT an alpha male, throw in
a one of Bobby Flay’s grilling cookbooks to assure some interesting creations.
Hardcore porn
Nothing says I love you like “The Girls of Butthole Ridge 23”. It’s letting him know that you are totally
okay with his degenerate ways. Go for the films that have great covers. Yes – some things you can
tell by just the cover. If they don’t care enough to invest in the cover, it’s likely the film will be shoddy.
Key words such as “slut” and “whore” often make great addition for man’s collection that you
may or may not be aware of. When in doubt, ask your local porn dealer for assistance. Stay
away from fetish sections (unless you are 100% sure he’d appreciate that) and anything that notes
“Bukkake” (trust me on this one). Hey – women are always saying that relationships are
all about acceptance and communications – right? Well put your money where your mouth is.
Cuban cigars & cigar case/flask
It makes them feel just as important as the fountain pens in the office – but better since it’s for revealing
at social/male-bonding type events. This will definitely prompt him to hang out with friends at the
sports bar to drink, smoke, smirk, and feel like “Da Man”. Bonus: This will give you time to
watch that hardcore porn purchased for him.
Colibri Lighter
Colibri has a lighter to fit just about every personality – fantastic selection from low to high end.
Well known and trusted company. Their touchless lighters are my favorites, but the new horizontal
push button lighters look hottttt. They even have one (if not first) of the first ever windproof lighters.
Loo Read
Giving him a place to neatly store a couple of rolls of toilet paper and magazines/newspapers for those
morning dumps really says you pay attention to the smaller (and sometimes larger) things in life and
really want him to have what he needs handy. This might also cut back on the primal last
minute calls for toilet paper.
Personalized sport history books
Give him a book that pulls history and copies of original news articles and announcements, dating back
to the early 1900’s for his favorite sport. The leather bound books may also be personalized so that his
name and occasion are displayed on the cover. This allows him to brag to friends about how thoughtful
you are while he forgets just about every damned thing you want.
Lunch delivery
Send him the trademark metal Dean and Deluca lunchbox filled with goodies. He and the guys at the
office will be most thankful. Be sure to pack his lunchbox for him after the fact. A man with a metal
Dean and Deluca lunchbox screams I HAVE A WOMAN much louder than a wedding ring. Make sure
he does not leave home without it.
Cufflinks
Give up on buying your man ties unless you guys are like twins separated at birth. Most men are never
going to be happy with a tie you give to him – even if its one he may have selected himself. PERIOD.
I for one can pick ties, but I have six brothers and eight uncles. Beautiful cufflinks are available online and
the safer way to go. Stay away from showy links. Decide if your man might be comfortable with
monogrammed links – if so that’s quick and easy.
Pointer: You can never lose with a unique set of pearl cufflinks – this way you can borrow them whenever you wish.
Car Replicas
Get a smaller version of his car or SUV for his desktop in the office. This is especially appreciated by
men with abnormally small or constantly limp penises, who drive extremely large SUV’s, such as
Hummers. They even make smaller battery operated versions of the Hummer so that he can drive a replica of
his gas guzzling, attention-whore, 10 miles per gallon (which equates the 10 inches of penis he wishes
he had), exempt from federal fuel efficiency regulations, sure to kill all passengers of all other cars
should an accident occur, replica across his table during meetings or phone calls.
I hope this helps. Happy shopping!
(Sam Cooke had me really thinking in traffic this morning)
We all have something we’d like to change about ourselves – losing weight, getting a better job
/more money, quitting smoking…
What stops many from succeeding at change is not realizing that it only happens when we change our
ways of thinking or prepare to adjust to moving away from feelings associated with certain change.
For instance, when quitting smoking it takes only days for our bodies to adjust to the actual nicotine
withdrawal but we miss the feeling of inhaling, holding the cigarette, etc.
A change in lifestyle must take place.
Or to get a better job or more money, one has to change his or her way of just getting by. The actual life
strategy must be altered.
For losing weight it may be the fulfilling feeling that a nice hearty meal, or several of them brings about.
Again, a change in lifestyle must take place.
It’s easy to understand why change can be difficult. It means giving something up.
Change takes us to the unknown and brings on discomfort.
..And possibly a fear of not being able to predict how you might react.
Fear of not having the familiar.
At times we backslide and become discouraged – not sure if we want to try again. At times when this
happens, we just get right back on track with a little more effort.
But once in full action mode and fully motivated, we become realistic about our goals, remove barriers
and pull in strength from within.
Understand triggers for certain behaviors and be able to predict the outcome BEFOREHAND to avoid
the backslide. Remove negative talk within and pressure from others.
Let your program run itself – and then – SUCCESS.
Change is gon' come, oh yes it will.
(of course, in no order of importance)
Wrapping paper for gifts
What a waste of time. I am notorious for throwing a few pieces of tape on a lopsided wrap job.
Hey – it’s what’s in the box that counts right (or for others, the thought I suppose). I’ve
likely spent enough time and money figuring out what to buy for your arse, so cut me some f*cking slack.
Coin change
For all I know, cashiers could short me a few cents each time I make a purchase. What’s
left over is picked up by Ballston, VA parking meters weekly when I get my hair washed, or by my
kid who uses it to catch a bus the whole 3 blocks home from her school. I mean seriously,
some think that if you pull all of that loose change together, you can really have something to
work with. These are likely the same folks who are waiting to win the lottery
to get certain
things in life. Get it people – change only counts if you have tons of it and a better paying job,
or a partner with a better paying job is what really counts to really get something to work with.
Refrigerated water
It just seems unnatural to jolt my body with freezing water inside or out. Things just go
more smoothly when you keep things at room temperature. I mean – anything that might
possibly give you a brain freeze should you drink it too quickly is just so f*cking unnatural.
Gulping my Pellegrino straight from the bottle at room temperate just works so much better.
Recognize. Your body will love you for it.
Men from DC
Period. F*ck off. Most of you have no culture and have only been as far as some island for
vacation. Go someplace and learn something that just might make your conversation more
interesting.
Tavis Smiley
Or is it Travis? I dunno, but if I get one more Tavis Smiley email forward from some other black
person who thinks this man truly has words to live by, I might add this person to my blocked
email list. I mean – what is this man’s background anyways? I mean – he failed at NPR.
How can he continue to be a “black” voice when he was and continues to be unable to really
pull in the black the radio audience? Most don’t think he is radio quality and just pretty much
comes across as another angry black man. I don’t know. Maybe I am just as ignorant about
this person as he is about most of the real middle and upper class black issues today. *shrug*
“Career” chat board posters
Get a life folks and understand there is an entire world away from your computer and
you likely are considered substandard there. But seriously – enjoy your cyber world, in which
you are on top but TRY not to continue crossing lines so that you won’t have to really deal with
“real” people. F*cking losers.
Earrings each day
It’s like wiping your arse an additional two times, even after using baby wipes. Just so f*cking
unnecessary. It’s fine. Just walk away and feel free.
Voice messages
Just call me back. Seriously. I have to check them at work so there is no way in hell I will
check home, personal cell, and business cell as well. This is my way and it’s not changing.
Send me an email instead – I always respond to that sort of communications, even when I
am not up to talking.
Pretty and expensive panties
It’s just not that serious ladies. The whole three days per month I wear panties are a total
inconvenience. My boyfriend bought me a pair with jewels on the back right above the
crack of my arse, where of course, the little string thingy is resting below. I only wear
them when I’ve f*cked up big time or want to get the attention of some twenty year old when
he can see it through my sheer black top. Women spend fortunes on these things. I guess
I don’t focus on this because I have no gag reflex which is far more attractive to anyone I
am seeing, rather than a thread up my arse.
Black American businesses
I don’t care what you think. I am not targeting one group. I buy what I want because it’s
what I want – whether it’s from my neighborhood Ethiopian business or some business in
the UK I ran across online. I am not breaking my neck for them, just as they don’t break
their necks for me. I mean seriously – what are the chances of me convincing the cook at
Florida Avenue Grill to poach an egg for me? I am lucky if he washes his hands after he takes
a piss in that nasty little bathroom.
Sexy bartenders
Male or female – what matters to me is you remember me from the last time I over tipped
your forgetful but cute arse. You don’t have to know my name but just know that I want a
Ketel One martini and a Delirium Tremens. Remember me as the double-fisted woman who
tips well. Is that so f*cking hard to remember? Go play eye candy for someone
else but make my drink first. And make it strong cutie.
The spider in the corner in my storage room
Yes – we
acknowledge one another but he’s not bothering me so I am not bothering him. I mean – he
just might help should some other type of insect find its way in there.
Wings on sanitary napkins
I mean seriously. Whose f*cking bright idea was this anyways? I mean it just f*cks up your
pants if there is an overflow to the bottom of the wing. Was this contraption designed for
women who wear skirts? Get a grip folks. Many beotches wear nice PANT power suits
and the very last thing we need while sitting in a meeting that’s run over almost 3 hours than
originally planned, is to wonder if our wings have decided to catch the overflow from the top
and made two thin lines on each side of our panties.
…I am however extremely thankful for applicators on tampons and cant understand for
the life of me why some prefer to jam their finger in a bloody little (or big) twat.
Text messaging
Folks – I am on a Blackberry platform here. If you are sending me messages via SMS (or
whatever platform that is) know that while I can read your message, but have absolutely no
f*cking idea who is sending it. I am not ignoring you. There is no number displayed partner
so get on the bandwagon and send me an email like the rest of the free world.
Marion Barry
Okay. He is a crack addict and his reign is over. Get the message folks and stop supporting
him just because of what he did in the past. It’s a new day and he is a new person. And
seriously – I have to wonder what was mismanaged when he was on top of his time. I made
my way to DC as a youth and was lucky enough to participate in his Summer Youth Program.
It was a total waste of taxpayer’s money. The only thing I got out of it to take to my adulthood
was my counselor/boss showing us the naked pictures of Vanessa Williams. Comfort zones
were definitely revamped.
My boyfriend’s temper tantrums
If he were a woman, I’d walk on eggshells and try to work things out. I mean seriously – can
I be the mega b*tch that I was when we met? I am hoping that in the very near future, I
can have my f*cking skirt back and be able to sit with my legs crossed again. I’m thinking
this is a temporary sickness, and decided that if I ignore it and not care, it will miraculously
cure itself. We will see. I mean – much love but this shit is soooo not necessary.
While I have tons more, I think I hear a tantrum coming on so I will have to switch to ignore
mode here get back with you guys at another date.
*reaching for another drink*
Just for you Zeb, as mentioned in comments section....
March 30, 2005
Is it possible?...
Is it possible to have a healthy and prosperous non-monogamous intimate relationship?
I realize it’s a new day and we have managed to question and put out traditions as effortlessly and often as we put out the trash – but, monogamy? This might sound great to some, but I think everyone gets screwed in the end.
So – this is definitely not for me.
I know many have openly practiced entertaining multiple partners since ancient times, but it’s becoming more and more common and acceptable today. Some are considering this a new standard and consider it necessary to maintain intimate relationships.
I can barely maintain open non-monogamous non-intimate relationships. My system of “containers” for friends is protected with a velvet glove and iron fist.
And everyone knows it.
Hey. If needs are not being met in an intimate relationship, one is certain the issue is not with Self, and honest efforts have been made to rectify issues, then maybe - just maybe, the solution is to sever the relationship instead of adding a third or multiple wheels to keep it moving along.
Understand the situation and resolve accordingly.
Why not invest time and energy in trying to make what you have succeed if it’s so worthwhile and important to you?
Are more people opening intimate relationships because they are too immature to deal with commitment?
Is it that good new car smell, in love feeling that comes with the new relationships that folks want to keep in their lives?
Emotional immaturity?
Are people opening intimate relationships just for the sexual aspects?
Freedom to explore? Explore being sexually and/or emotionally involved with more than one person?
Need to feel “more love”?
B*llshit.
Grow up people.
Speaking of immaturity, I don’t know – MAYBE id find it acceptable for younger folks who discuss this in the start of intimate relationships to move forward and experiment for a while, but I’ve found that in many situations, with both younger and older couples, its suggested doors open for others to join once things are up and running.
…and oftentimes one partner is not comfortable with changes, but wants to remain open-minded.
Is it just sex? Does it lead to certain sexual deviations? The married “open” couples I’ve had the pleasure and displeasure of meeting have appeared to be truly abnormal.
And to think many have children growing up in with 3 or 4 “parents” or a steady flow of “aunties" and "uncles”.
Go to marriage or sex counseling. Talk more. Talk less. Try role-play. Take a pill – take two pills. Buy some movies, toys -- power tools even.
Group marriages?
Intimate networks?
Expanded families?
Triad relationships?
“Open your mind. Be free.”
F*ck that. Don’t open your mind for everything.
Protect your morals and values.
Protect your children – more and more innocence is being lost with each generation – don’t add to the tainting.
Protect you – against emotional, spiritual, and health harms and roadblocks.
Relationships wherein partners are responsible and have worthwhile employment, and a full spread of responsibilities (i.e., house, kids), just can’t afford time and energy sharing outside of the immediate “container” if the relationship is to flourish.
Too many eggs in the basket – one is bound to crack… and soil the entire container.
This is adding spice alright – Strychnine.
Hey. I know my way of dealing with non-intimate relationships might not be the healthiest for some, but it works for me – I wouldn’t necessarily prescribe this strong medicine for the next person – what keeps your life most organized for YOUR comfort and sanity is, of course, on you.
BUT
Know that there are so many benefits of a healthy, committed, monogamous, and intimate relationship, and a steady growth in fulfillment with Self happens to be one of them. Being with someone does not make a healthy person feel happier with Self, but instead – when with the right person, versus the wrong person, one is allowed to focus on Self and have energies to grow in a positive direction.
Effortlessly.
Find yourself worthy of a loving, one-on-one, intimate relationship. Should you have the opportunity to indulge -- jump in head first, and enjoy.