Live now. There are no orgasms in heaven.
Okay.
So the other day, I worked a tad bit over and headed to the garage for my car. It was a very stressful day so I really looked forward to taking the top off and heading home while playing my old Les Nubians CD.
*Si Je T'Avais Ecoute…*
I cruised slowly down U Street enjoying my busy neighborhood and came to the red light at 13th. I sat in the right lane in front of Rite Aid waiting patiently for the light to change – enjoying what was left of the beautiful day.
And then it happened.
The Collision.
A green RAV 4 ran into the driver side of my car.
I took a deep breath; turned off my engine; got out of the car and motioned for the woman to not move her car. She pointed to the right and moved anyways. I left my car there and took a look at the damages.
…this is a new car mind you.
The woman said goodbye to a man who got out of her car. He hugged her and walked away.
Her first words to me? Sowwwy, but yooo car so leetil I couwld not see yooo.
*huh?*
She then removed her large jet black sunglasses and I thought to myself beotch, your eyes cant open wide enough and get enough sun to need those f*cking huge black sunglasses. It was at that moment, that I realized if she said one more thing, I would surely stab her with my pencil right there on the spot.
Instead. I dialed 911 and waited for the officers. I realized that I was at an anger point of no return and didn’t really trust myself to talk to her long enough to get her information.
I then dialed the number for my auto insurance in an effort to stay on the phone so the beotch would just stay away from me.
She then walked over and informed me that she was running late for a dinner appointment and was leaving the country for a few weeks the day to follow.
*Huh? Don’t let the seersucker suit fool you beotch. I have 6 brothers, eight uncles – almost all of them have military backgrounds, and right this moment, I have the strong urge unleash my advanced pencil fighting force – in the most destructive way against your face out here*
My thumb brushed across the eraser of that pencil again and I spoke to my inner beotch “don’t say anything to her and don’t poke her with that pencil” .
The cop came and we did the report.
Luckily, we share the same insurance company, but now I have to take time off to get to the dealer – AND my car is fairly new, so parts pricing is not yet in the insurance systems, and most are just not available. There is no f*cking telling when I will be able to get any replacement parts for it.
So.
To sum it up in one of the shortest sentences you may ever see me write – I’m screwed, in a bad way.
..off to the serious beotching session…
Grab your note pad boys and girls -- and pay attention.
Its Ugly Stereotype Time!!!
I have many Ethiopian associates and friends who can’t drive very well, but will park your car on a dime effortlessly. So – the doro wat and kitfo eating drivers have something to bring to the table.
I have Latin associates who will drive too drunk to see, but know the best hookups with mechanics – that is, if they don’t fix it for you on the spot. So – the beans and rice and taco eating drivers have something to bring to the table.
I spoke with my friend Thong last night to express my frustration with him and many other kimchee eating drivers. That’s right – the Asians. Just paramount bad f*cking driving, parking, direction giving. Anything whatsoever to do with a car – they suck rancid arse at.
Each Asian associate I have fall under one of the following 1) they cant drive; 2) no understanding or want to understand driving laws; 3) EXTREMELY too passive on the road; or, 4) EXTREMELY AGGRESSIVE and prone to serious ROAD RAGE using those cars like they are nun chucks and the road like a set for Kung Foo Action Theater.
This beotch? Just plan old bad driving. She tried to make a right turn from the left lane while I was sitting beside her.
WTF?
And then had the nerve to talk about being late for dinner? That beotch is lucky she was able to eat her dumplings at all – she could have been in the emergency room getting my pencil removed from her mouth instead.
..And her comment that my car was small and she didn’t see it? Beotch, you are NOT driving a Hummer and furthermore – you mostly have tiny f*cking cars in your country so you would think you and your people would be accustomed to driving around them.
OPEN YOUR F*CKING EYES PEOPLE!
..if you can.
F*cking Asian drivers – I swear.
*I feel sooo much better now that I've released that energy*